Last week was our first day back in year 2 of L4 in therapeutic counselling! We were asked to write in our journals at the end of the day which was the first time we have had to do that!
We were asked to keep a continuous journal throughout year 1 in our own time. This was not only to process our learning but more importantly to gain an understanding of our process in therapy, in sessions, in client work and how we relate to our peers, family and friends. It has been interesting and I definitely journaled alot in the beginning. However, if i'm being authentic then I need to admit that I definitely didn't do this towards the end of year 1.
Sometimes my brain just does not engage and I completely disconnect emotionally from what I may have experienced that day. And just as my tutor said "its not ok to get to the end of the day and say you are too tired to process anything, at this point in the course", well I had done exactly that!
A new peer had invited us to take a look at his online journal which inspired me to create my own, its far easier to really get into the core of your process and write it down effectively if you think another person might read it... so here I am. I'll write the questions we had to think about and the answer to them underneath.
In your Reflective Counselling Journal, explore if counselling training is what you thought it would be?
I don't think I really knew what I was expecting from this training to be honest. I knew id have to have personal therapy as part of the process and I knew the boat was going to be rocked in terms of having to deal with my trauma. However, I never truly expected it to really change my behaviours or to give me such a clear understanding of myself. I never thought I would be this version of myself, have the ability to be so true to myself. I am so much calmer now, I don't have the rages that I used to feel if my past had been triggered by something in the present.
Unfortunately alongside this new level of awareness and this ability to be congruent with myself, has meant a few friendships have had to be left behind. Friendships that I realise do not serve me anymore. My energy and my body is so precious and it needs protecting from harm. I am hyper aware of being surrounded by toxicity and that uses way too much of my energy so I try to avoid situations which may result in me being around too much of this.
Doing things to please others also uses far too much energy and the training has given me the security within myself to really think about whether im doing something for someone authentically or whether im trying to please. Pleasing others and being inauthentic uses so much energy because ultimately it's a mask you are putting on to serve others.
Ultimately I am so glad I chose this particular training provider as this is much more experiential than another course I almost enrolled on. The other was a cheaper course; however it was taught sessions mainly around theory of self and homework on that theory; this course I am on, is experiential which has enabled me to grow and develop like I have so far.
The therapeutic process has been gut wrenchingly hard but how can I expect my clients to sit in front of me and bare all in order for therapeutic change to take place if I haven't done it myself.
I have felt like a snow globe at times; everything buried under the snow until someone (my therapist) has come along and shaken me up. My emotions flying around everywhere, stressful nights sleep, uncontrollably crying, fits of panic as my body relives the pain.
Some of the snow globe is still up and all over the place as I process more aspects of my past but I have faith these will settle back down; the trauma will have been released and I will be much more content and at peace with my past.
How are you using Personal Therapy and your Reflective Counselling Journal to support your development as a counsellor?
Well, first of all lets just put it out there... in order to take on clients you have to do the personal work in therapy. Some individuals think they can just go out into the world after reading a few books and take on clients in a counselling capacity. What they don't realise is, that can cause some serious psychological damage to those clients and to themselves.
First and foremost we need to be ensuring we are content with our past in order to ensure we don't bring any of our stuff and dump it either consciously or subconsciously onto our clients.
Second, we need to understand what our triggers might be, again to keep ourselves and our clients safe.
Thirdly, we need to be in an emotionally stable place and self aware enough to be able to park our stuff at the door before we enter a therapeutic space with our clients.
There are many more reasons but the final one is something I have personally experienced recently but isn't as obvious as the others.
The book 'the body holds the score' is not wrong. I had been triggered through transference (someone in the present reminding you of someone from your past) this transference was so strong but confusing as I had no idea who they were reminding me of; but my body told me they were dangerous.
I had a physical response to someone I had just met. This was not a client thankfully! My body went immediately into fight or flight mode and I was unable to concentrate on anything they were saying, I had a huge panic attack and felt completely stuck. My body was telling me something had happened to me but my conscious memory of it had been removed.
Imagine if this had not come to light for me and I had this internal response towards a client. I wouldn't understand what it was or where it was coming from. Thankfully due to this experience and my therapist, I have been able to find the cause of this bodily experience, bring it to my conscious awareness and work through the trauma.
Now I have the confidence, ability and awareness to be able to work ethically and safely with a potential client who may trigger this response; I trust that I have the ability to untangle my stuff from theirs so I can leave it at the door and get into my clients phenomenological world, be present with them and move with them through their experience.
How am I strengthening my identity as a Counsellor and managing my personal boundaries?
Well I can certainly say, this hasn't been an easy one for me and I will continue to strenghten throughout my time as a counsellor I am sure. What comes with conditions of worth like mine-"i'm no good at anything, everyone is more able than me, i'm not academically intelligent" comes very low self esteem and self belief.
I guess thats another thing the course has given me, belief in myself and a much higher self esteem.
I am a counsellor and I believe I am good at it; I sometimes find myself going back into my old narrative, of not being good enough or feeling like I need to fix. Thats not my role anymore, my role is to listen, be present and offer unconditional positive regard.
Some clients have tested my boundaries and i've been quick to drop them in order to please them, (up pops my conditions of worth again "If I do this, they will like me"). So I know this is when I fall back into old behaviour patterns.
This experience has been a good insight into myself here and I am thankful for each bit of learning I receive, whether this is from my course, my personal therapy, supervision or my clients. It's all learning.
Knowing I can and must hold boundaries has also filtered through into my personal life and it feels extremely liberating and empowering. It really supports me in being authentic and true to myself; after all, how can I be authentic if i'm dropping my boundaries left, right and centre to fix or please other people.
The challenging aspect of all of these changes is the people around me, my relationships outside of this course aren't really understanding of my changing self.
For example:
When I don't answer the phone because I am low on energy or I just don't have the mental capacity is now confusing to certain friends who have always known me to answer and listen to them.
When someone asks me if I want to go out and I respond with "I don't like drinking anymore so I don't want to be around town on an evening, how about lunch?" instead of "yeh sure, sounds great" and then hugely regretting agreeing to something I have no interest in, just to please a friend.
I have the ability now to say if I am unhappy about something and quite comfortable in asking for what I need/don't need. This has come as a bit of shock to some; because society tells us we should just keep quiet and accept if something doesn't feel right so we don't offend the other person.
The truth is, if someone is making us feel uncomfortable it is not our shame to shout up and say "I don't like it when you do that so stop please." Thats their shame and their problem to deal with.
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